P-MAIL

By Mirra Fine

My greatest pain in life (obviously, beyond reruns of Dateline: To Catch a Predator, when they tell you the episode will be new) is when people talk badly about dogs right in front of them. Whether it’s commenting on their appearance, smell or intelligence, to say it within earshot, is in poor taste. You see, I’ve always secretly believed that dogs understand exactly what we're saying. The catch is, they are just too smart to let us in on it.

Now before you write this off as some crazy, lunatic dog-woman, clearly hallucinating from a form of "party drug" she made in her bathtub, hear me out. Maybe dogs don’t completely understand English, but they are way smarter than we give them credit for.Think about it: Dogs get room and board, food, and someone to pick up their crap...for free! All this, In the most expensive city in the world! If that’s not genius, I don’t know what is.

Now, I’m a dog walker, which means I spend a lot of time observing the dog world. I've often watched in amazement as each pup will hold their bladder so that urine can be evenly distributed throughout the 30-minute walk. Their control and precision is truly inspiring.

Take Billy, my Beagle-lab client, for example. I’ve often seen him walk by a pole, smell it for a few minutes, and then pee with a vengeance all over the place – sending a premeditated stream of yellow liquid into the air and dripping over the nearby curb. Soon after, another dog will walk by, go back to that same spot, and, just like Billy, examine it carefully, and then pee.

It took me about 3 weeks of watching this smell-n-pee process until it hit me: This is the canine form of email (p-mail, if you will). Dogs have been posting urine-based text messages, emails and loves notes all over the city.. right under our noses.

Yep, dogs are definitely ahead of the game. When most people are paying big bucks for iPods, computers and blackberries so that they can keep connected, dogs accomplish the same thing with one swift lift of the leg on the side of the street.

Remember Billy's rage-filled pee explosion on that pole? Who knows what could have incurred such urinating wrath. Maybe he was sending a message to a dog who broke his heart, or to a dog talking smack. Or he could have just been waxing poetic about the current state of affairs.

In any case, dog's kidneys are equivalent to the World Wide Web...and everyone is connected. It’s brilliant and unlike the real internet, there's no cost to join, no up-keep fees, and it rarely breaks down. It’s practically fool proof.

So the next time someone utters the phrase “stupid dog”, remind them that those little guys have a leg up on us...in more ways than one.

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Mirra Fine, is a dog walker and owner of Manhattan-based dog walking company, the New York Pooch Patrol (www.nypoochpatrol.com). She currently writes about her daily "dog happenings" on her blog, http://poochpatrol.blogspot.com. For information on dog walking services or writing questions, contact Mirra at ask@housepetmagazine.com